Death by Diet Pepsi

Well, not exactly death, but I did choke.

Here’s the deal…

We ordered pizza from Pizza Hut a few nights back. The deal we chose came with a 2 liter of Diet Pepsi. As we had other drinks prior to the delivery of the pie, I just put the Diet Pepsi in the fridge for later consumption.

Later that night I had a glass. It was delicious.

Fast forward to two nights ago.

Emma has gone to bed, and I find myself very thirsty. I head to the fridge and see the 2 liter bottle, now missing about 1/3 of the contents (due to my prior glass.) I decide that I will enjoy the remainder of the beverage in the 2 liter bottle. I grab it from the fridge and head into the living room. After chatting with the wife for a bit, I decide that I will give her a laugh by imitating Emma’s style of drinking.

Emma, when she opts for a sip, grabs the sippy cup with two hands and, rather violently, rams the cup into her face/mouth and enjoys. It is consistently funny to myself as well as her mother.

So, I pick up the two liter bottle, uncap it, say to Jaime, “Who am I?”, and slam the bottle into my mouth, tipping it up to take a drink.

At this point, I begin to realize, after a couple of gulps, that there is extreme pressure building up in the bottle and my mouth. The pressure build to a point that I can no longer swallow normally and the Diet Pepsi just fires right into my lungs. Now, I realize that I am, for all intents and purposes, drowning. My brain decides, luckily, that we will be releasing the pressure my relaxing the corners of my mouth slowly. This method does indeed release the pressure, along with a large amount of pressure-jetted soda.

So, I am now spewing soda out of the sides of my mouth while trying to cough up the soda in my lungs. All this without being able to breathe. Jaime, who is using her computer, isn’t really paying attention to me, as she assumed my Emma impersonation was over after the bottle was tipped. She now laughs again, thinking I’m doing another impersonation of Emma. Emma, when she’s finished drinking her milk will sometimes sip a mouthful of milk and slowly exhale. This produces a stream of milk down her chin as well as a “spraying” sound which she finds hilarious.

Jaime finally looks over just as I am regained control of my own action and begin breathing again. At this point I am completely soaked with Diet Pepsi, and Norbert is licking a bit of the spray off the carpet in front of me. Jaime has this puzzled look on her face that reads, “MY LORD! You’ve taken that joke too far!” Little did she know at that moment that my actions weren’t intentional, but survival related.

We had a nice laugh and I hung my shirt to dry.

The moral of this story: Never slam a bottle of ice cold diet soda unless you are prepared to be soon dead.


5 Comments Add yours

  1. Jaime says:

    Very well told, dear. Man, that was funny.

  2. Andrew says:

    Awesome. I’m laughing out loud here at work, and people are staring at me suspiciously.

  3. Chris says:

    I wish I had a video camera running. My face had to be one of sheer panic.

  4. Amy says:

    I am so glad that I decided to check out your blog today. I’m sitting here in my office, laughing out loud. Thank you Chris, thank you!

  5. Chris says:

    Glad to help, have a great week!!

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